Who’s had one of these? I have and it’s not pleasant. Today I want to share my painful journey of overwhelming sadness to overwhelming gladness! What a journey it’s been.
I was your typical leave school at 16, get a routine job in an office, go to a few parties, get married and have kids sort of girl. Great aspirations I thought at that age and went about getting married, having kids and living an ok sort of life. This strategy worked for a little while – my husband had a good job we had a nice house and I adored my 3 kids (still do!). This was everyday life for me – until it wasn’t!
I began to grow after attending a psychology course about self-esteem, motivation, goal-setting etc, which changed the course of my life forever. However there had to be period to move through which up-turned the apple cart of life which in my case lasted years. I began to see things with new eyes. I realised my self-esteem was at an all-time low and I was in a toxic co-dependant relationship where there was very little love left to build upon. I don’t want to put my ex-husband down, because that is not helpful and I realise now it was the combination of our toxicity that destroyed the relationship and I have no desire to lay the “blame” at anyone’s door. I have learnt not to play the “blame game” as this serves no purpose and in the greater scheme of life, there is no blame anyway. We are all responsible for the situations we find ourselves in.
However there were some pivotal moments that changed the game of splitting up. Maybe like me, you have been through big relationship changes, where you have felt you had to stay together for the sake of the children, dog, car, house, business! One BIG lesson I learnt was that this never works! The children, dog, car, house, business just ends up suffering big time too! My children got hurt time after time as we came back together after unpleasant weeks apart where we both did some mud-slinging and slunk off to lick our wounds.
I remember a time in particular where we had gone off to Disneyland in America with the kids and had an almighty falling out the first night there and didn’t speak for several days. How unpleasant for everyone. I think that was the first time I felt truly disrespected by my man and my self-esteem was in dire need of some attention. This pattern then just got worse over the next few years and we entered the downward spiral. When my ex finally left me for another woman (just the excuse to leave – not because he really wanted her either), I entered the world of depression and there I stayed for about 2 years. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t shed some tears.
However, looking back, the toxicity in that relationship was palpable. You could almost reach out and touch it. No wonder my children all retreated to their rooms as soon as they could and left me to my misery. It was so unhealthy and I have realised now that the “letting go” was the hardest thing to do. My life was crumbling around me, all I had ever known was suddenly flying out the door at a great speed of knots, my home, my comfortable life, the man I thought I loved, the financial security all disappearing as I desperately grappled to hold on to some semblance of family life. I had met a lovely lady through my meditation group that very kindly counselled me through this situation I found myself in from a spiritual point of view and I started to see the bigger picture. I also started to read every self-help and spiritual growth book I could get my hands on and particularly remember Neale Donald Walsch’s phrase “When everything changes, change everything”. And oh boy, did I start to change everything – for the better. However, it took me years.
I became an independent woman and actually started to enjoy living life on my own. My kids grew into fine young adults and are finding their way in the world. I am creating wealth streams of my own to support me for the future and now no longer cry every day but smile and encourage others to look to a brighter future. It can be done and without the use of anti-depressants! This is life folks – full of ups and downs – everything has to be in perfect balance. For every low, there is a high. We perhaps just need to get the momentum of the see-saw to a comfortable level as we would like it. Some of us perhaps like to go really high one minute and then low the next. Some like to keep it in about the middle with very little movement. Maybe most would like to keep it moving moderately to keep us comfortable.
I am now at a stage in my life where I am allowing love into my life, after all these years of keeping my heart safe from hurt. I am looking forward to meeting a wonderful man that is great for my self-esteem and fills me up with love and respect and a relationship that is low in toxicity. Woohoo!! I know it can happen, it just takes time and a fresh look at life and what it’s all about. Here are some pointers if you are suffering in a toxic relationship:
• Try to step out for a few minutes and see it from a different angle (I like to go and sit on a big, pink fluffy cloud and look down at all the activity here on earth (in my mind of course – I haven’t found out how to do this in the physical (yet!). When viewed from this perspective everything looks a bit silly and we are all running around like ants, but unlike ants, achieving very little except noise in our heads).
• Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy for either of you (or the kids)? Is anyone in your immediate care suffering as a result of what is going on in your home/office/social circle? Be honest as this is such a good indicator that something needs to change.
• Ask yourself if there is anything you can do today to improve your current situation and do it. This may involve sitting down and having a serious conversation with loved ones or even taking yourself away from the situation for a while to gather your thoughts or changing your job.
• Find a spiritual counsellor or really good friend that will help you see the bigger picture of life, and that you don’t have to suffer the life you are currently living and that there is a beautiful time waiting for you when you have been through the bad bit!
When all said and done, even though many of us believe we will get another shot at other lives through reincarnation, we are still only going to live this particular life once, so let’s enjoy it (even the rough times) and learn to love who we are. We are all deserving of love in our lives and it starts with ourself.
Sent with love